gideon's (other) bible

traffic, THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.

me: maybe she's kind of a very self absorbed elitist artist type.
rollertrain: please tell me if i ever start acting like that
me: okay. stop putting your boobs on the internet.
rollertrain: why is it weird that i put my boobs online?
me: once, twice - not weird. all the time - begging for attention.
rollertrain: whatev. if i had a naked girl @ my disposal i would use her instead
me: great. put an ad on craigslist.
rollertrain: also, my pageviews explode any time i post anything naked
me: SHOCKING. it's a copout for traffic.
rollertrain: DUH. i'm an art student, i will take traffic any way i can get it. i thought posting the n-word was a lot crazier. sigh
me: those girls that tony always croons over on the busblog are worthless. all they do is put idiot myspace-staged photos of themselves in panties all over a website and call it a blog, and people FAWN over them like they're oprah winfrey. it's unreal. REAL feminists don't need to show themselves in their skivvies to make a point. i don't care how proud women are of their bodies - those girls are exploiting their bodies for power, and it is the exact opposite of using your intellect to prove you are worthy of attention.
rollertrain: i agree with parts of this. however, in defense of the naked internet, if you're not one of those girls (LIKE ME) and you post photos of your slowly aging nudity on the web, like when you're going in for a second mammogram, it's embarrassing, vulnerable and a little brave
me: you're not posting them because you're going in for a second mammogram.
rollertrain: that one, i did. absolutely.
me: yeah, that ONE. what about the other 12?
rollertrain: i can see how it might be really annoying to have a sister who constantly acts like an asshole on the web. sorry for that. but i yam what i yam.
me: yes. WE KNOW.
rollertrain: did you see my big project yet? the bees?
me: the <a href=http://www.flickr.com/photos/rollertrain/sets/72157604716159302/>american gothic painting</a>?
rollertrain: si
me: yes. it's amazing. i especially like the fact that it doesn't have any boobs in it.

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about two years ago, my friend steve shoppman called me over to his house and asked if i would help write a press release. steve, and his roommate, steve, had decided they were going on an expedition around the world.

big woop, right? what’s newsworthy about a couple of middle class white dudes going on a tour around the world? i know like six people that did that, and there was no press release involved.

then they told me they were planning on driving around the world (my initial thought was, of course, how they’re going to rent a car in antarctica). after looking at the mock-up of the route they wanted to take, they told me they were going to convince someone to give them trucks to do it.

this is where anne started to zone out. who’s going to give a couple of middle class white dudes some trucks for free?

stevenson toyota in denver, that’s who.

when they got the trucks, i started to scratch my head. steve shoppman’s done some crazy shii—-stuff, but this was starting to get a little unnerving. they had boxes of internet printouts on visas and entry documents for contries in africa and eurasia that i’d never even heard of, and i started getting nervous.

“steven, i dunno if this is the hottest idea. i think americans get like, kidnapped and sold to land mine farms or something there.”

and his response was so on point that i decided to shut up and support him however i could. “that attitude right there is exactly why we’re doing this - to show americans that not only CAN you travel to the places they tell you not to travel, but that you SHOULD be travelling there so you can help show what happens when nonsensical reputations get in the way of expanding your horizon. americans live in their safe cubbies of federal regulations and bix box chains and forget that there are a million other ways of doing things that can help you think about the world and why you’re in it.”

huh. okay. here i was thinking shipping my tooshie from denver to philadelphia was this huge cosmic adventure, and this kid is going to be in the far reaches of nooks and crannies that this planet has to provide.

and they DID it.

and they’re DOING it.

amazing.

i am amazed by possibility.

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yes.

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dialogue between my asophogus and gag reflex, just now.

asophogus: is she really thinking that taking her medication by swallowing her pills with a sip of coffee is a good idea right now? why doesn’t she get up and get some water instead? christ this chick is lazy.

gag reflex: i don’t know, but i swear to god, if she tries to swallow those nasty pills with tepid coffee, it’s going to be bad news for all of us.

asophogus: OMG - SHE’S DOING IT! GROSSSSSS..@#$%Aafkgkanvof

gag reflex: haha! take that! i’ll force all this right back up! whooo-Haaah!

asophogus: KNOCK IT OFF - CAN WE PLEASE JUST CHOKE THIS DOWN BEFORE WE MAKE HER PUKE ON HER KEYBOARD?

gag reflex: what? oooh sure - there, it’s almost down but NOW I’M FORCING IT BACK UP AGAIN! MWAHAHAAHA!

asophogus: i will murder you.

gag reflex: here! have some of the breakfast you just ate along with the pills i just forced up your throat! coffee with pills. WHAT A MORON.

asophogus: you’re only hurting us all, gag reflex. the brain boss upstairs sent an order that we want to swallow these pills and we have the necessary resources to do it: we have liquid, muscles, and moral gumption. NOW LET THIS CRAP PASS INTO HER STOMACH BEFORE I HAVE YOU SURGICALLY REMOVED.

gag reflex: but why? this back-n-forth is sort of fun for me and look - she’s got tears in her eyes and she’s reaching for the trashcan. she’s already admitting defeat. you can’t veto that.

asophogus: swallow it. now.

gag reflex: fine. but you can’t blame me for putting up such a stink. cold coffee? with medicine? that’s just absolutely stupid.

asophogus: you have a point. let’s make her vomit into the trashcan anyway just to teach her a lesson.

fin.

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new artwork above my cubicle: princess peach playing guitar hero.

my boss is perplexed.

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» typeracer!!!

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a story of love and also of treachery

his car had been towed.

he turned me away to my commute as he went to go see about the man who towed his car.

under my feet was something shiny. a credit card. i glanced - nay - an american express gift card.

i should pick that up.

i picked it up.

i walked to work. when i got to work, i logged on to the internet and checked the balance of the found gift card.

$3.16

that’s not going to go very far.

septa does not take american express.

many grocers do not take american express.

i slept on it. i came to work this morning.

i sure would love some sausage this morning.

street vendors do not take american express.

i noticed a starbucks awning.

but they stopped making the sandwiches, didn’t they?

i entered the starbucks. i waited in line.

there are the sandwiches in the case!

i read the menu board. $2.95 for a sandwich with sausage. but where would the tax leave me?

i’m at the register now.

do you take american express?

we sure do.

how much does a sausage, egg and cheese sandwich come to with tax?

umm…$3.16.

can i use this gift card?

i don’t see why not…hmm…the stripe seems really messed up…did you run over this with your car or something?

sort of.

ah - there it goes. here’s your sandwich. have a nice day.

exit left.

i walked to my office and went to my desk.

i ate the sandwich and it was delicious.

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i continue to have a heck of a time.

if you have decided definitely who tolls your bell at the voting booth, consider yourself lucky.

i have spent several months on a personal, noncommittal campaign to learn platforms and make educated guesses, which has led me to a world of panic.

the fire of indecision, i raise my hands in submission to you.

if only there was a sign. one that was clear as beer.

one that either takes away all of the haze, or adds to it in a way that makes me want to take my shirt off, and twist it around my head (very much comparable to that of a helicopter).

my overwhelmed eyes have crossed. i feel drawn to hysteria.

i will continue to wait, unsatisfied.

bartender, bring me another mai tai.

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high heels, short shorts, bare shoulders

the subway has these this morning as the city morphs into the place i met last summer.

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i don’t check this old hotmail address very often anymore, but since i got this meeting request from kofi annan today, i might start checking it more often.

it’s good to know the former UN secretary general is rocking gmail.

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