Tom Bartlett, who writes the family-friendly and...
Sorry, Ken. Can't say I didn't try.
Tab: Hello! Thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer! My name is Tab. How may I assist you with your personal checking and savings accounts today?
You: Hello Tab! I'm hoping you can help me with a wire transfer.
Tab: I can certainly provide you the information you need regarding a wire transfer.
You: Okay! I'm trying to wire my friend Ken in Ohio.
Tab: Alright. You friend does not have an account with Bank of America ?
You: Oh, I have no idea where he does his banking. I'm actually looking for information on whether or not he can bring luggage with him.
Tab: I made a spelling mistake of your friend. I was just correcting as your* instead of you friend.
You: Oh I understand. Thanks! Grammar is of the utmost importance in these economic times.
Tab: As far as the luggage information is concerned, I am afraid, you may have to contact the airline that he is flying in.
You: Oh - he's not flying in, I'm wiring him in.
Tab: I sincerely apologize, I am not able to understand your query. Could you please rephrase it for me?
You: Sure. My friend Ken moved to Ohio and a few of us would like to be able to get him back here in Philadelphia, and we agree that wiring him is the most efficient way. So I was just hoping to help prepare him by letting him know how many bags he can bring on the wire.
Tab: I am afraid, you have contacted Bank of America. We cannot provide those details.
You: Does Bank of America provide wire services for its customers?
Tab: Yes, we do however, we only offer wire services for funds, not people.
You: Oh, okay. Can you tell me where I might go to get wire services for people?
Tab: I sincerely apologize, however, I do not have any information regarding the wire services for people, as the technology does not exist to my knowledge.
You: Simply not true, Tab. The new "Star Trek" has been out in movie theaters for weeks, and they wire people all the time!
Tab: I am very sorry, I am not able to comment on the technology as it is not something offered by Bank of America.
You: I get it, but can you at least tell me what bank DOES offer it?
Tab: Unfortunately I can not.
You: Sigh. Ken's not going to be happy about this.
Tab: My sincerest apologies for not being able to provide the services requested by an esteemed customer such as yourself.
You: I appreciate that. But maybe if we did a little less yapping and a lot more inventing, we wouldn't be in this mess. And by "we" I mean "you."
Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you...– Ernest Hemingway (via jager)
Third grade science class
It was a good day because we didn’t have to do our work; an astronaut had come in to show us what astronauts do. (Perhaps this was an administrative astronaut, charged with elementary school public appearances.) The astronaut brought a dusty video tape and VCR. We watched men floating in the vessel - their suit flaps and buckles and pockets moving around them like seaweed. Nuts...
She's probably reading this...RIGHT NOW.
Antonio: Hello! Thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer! My name is Antonio. How may I assist you with your personal Checking and Savings accounts today!
You: Hello Antonio! I was wondering if you could help me out with something.
Antonio: Of course. How can I be of service?
You: I was hoping to get your thoughts about the Phillies and their ability to follow up this year with their amazing 08 World Series Championship.
Antonio: I am sorry, I do not have any idea about that.
You: Okay. What about Oprah? Do you have any thoughts about Oprah? She's a mogul, you know. Everyone has an opinion about her.
Antonio: You mean Oprah Winfrey?
Antonio: I am sorry, we are not supposed to talk things other than your accounts details.
You: No thoughts on the theory that Oprah Winfrey is an unnatural force of neo-media social influence that is most likely born of a different planet?
Antonio: I'm sorry I cannot help you with that. Is there anything else I can help you with?
You: No, that's all, thanks. But if you just say something like "It has been a pleasure to help you today," I'll know that you agree
Antonio: It was nice chatting with you, Anne. Please let us know how we can be of service in the future.
You: ...was it "a pleasure to help me" today?
Antonio: We feel good if we are able to assist our customers with our online chat service.
You: But, you know..."was it a pleasure to help me today?"
Antonio: We have certain limitations under which are unable to help our customers with our online chat service, and I have been glad to assist you today.
You: So in other words, IT WAS A PLEASURE TO HELP ME TODAY?
You: Good man, Antonio. *wink wink* I read you loud and clear.
Antonio: Have a great day!!
The only crying baby I don’t want to make go...
The 100 Most Beautiful Words in English →
Doesn’t contain “Cellar Door” (I looked). (via faithfulfaerie)
The more often Americans go to church, the more likely they are to support the...– CNN.com